Senti Queen

“To say ‘I love you’, one must first be able to say the ‘I’.”    — Ayn Rand

Sooo true! This is a perfect embodiment of all my convictions and realizations in the love department for the past few years. I am not claiming to be an expert on love matters but having experience as my best teacher, I’ve learned my lessons the hard way.  And what a price to pay!  I’m not complaining, though.

Two nights ago, I enjoyed talking with three of my trusted friends over two bottles of red wine about an interesting topic– what else but love and relationship! We were supposed to call it a night by 10:30pm but the conversation got a little more revealing so we ended up going home at past midnight.  We couldn’t afford to miss the shocking facts (and figures!).  Hahahaha…

Being the most experienced in the group (done this, done that… been there, been here etc.), I had much more to say on the matter.  What concerned me most, though, was how each one felt after the break up. I was telling them that they should not blame themselves.  Not to dwell anymore on the negative feeling. Not to feel any panghihinayang on the emotional and financial investments.  Not to hate themselves for being stupid.  There are no mistakes in life, right? Only lessons learned.

Yes of course, it’s easier said than done. But bottom line is falling in love should never make us feel bad about ourselves regardless of the outcome. If the person we have deeply loved failed to give us back what we believed we deserved, the more that we should place a higher value on ourselves.  Kung ayaw (na) niya, eh di huwag.  Good riddance! We definitely deserve someone better who is more deserving of our love and attention.

In love relationships, I never believed in the concept of unconditional love. Come on! Investing so much without us expecting something in return is too much hypocrisy.  A relationship, to succeed, must talk of give-and-takes, of two-way streets and journeys. Otherwise, it is not a relationship but just another fascination with the idea of being in love.

As I’ve told my friends, kung hindi ako kayang sabayan ng lalaki in terms of time, effort, emotional investment, and every single thing that I put into our relationship, eventually mapag-iiwanan siya.  And I’m not the type who will stop or slow down just for him to catch up.  What’s the use of having a partner who can’t do his equal share in the responsibilities and obligations involved?  ‘Wag na lang, di ba?

Getting back on our feet after a failed relationship could be quite difficult, you know. But finding it hard to move on does not always necessarily mean that we still love the person. Sometimes, we just couldn’t get over the feeling of having wasted our precious time on someone and something that gave us nothing in return but broken hearts, broken dreams, and broken wings.

“Bakit ba parang ang dali dali mong maka-recover? Gano’n na lang ba ‘yon?”, a friend asked me once.  For me, letting go is much easier if the person was not worth my troubles at all. How could I continue loving someone who’s making me lose my love and respect for myself?  I couldn’t give something that I myself don’t have or have lost along the way. I should love myself first before I could completely love another.

The realization that the other person only needed me to tie some loose ends in his life automatically shuts the door.  Sorry Jerry, but I strongly believe that I should not complete my man.  He has to be also complete first before we even start talking about a possibility of “us”.  A “you-complete-me” statement does not flatter me at all. It, in fact, scares me to death!

Looking back, I did say “I love you” and really mean it once pa lang in my life (my other ‘iloveyous’ were only said under pressure! hahahaha). This person and I were just sitting on this bench in the middle of a beautiful garden we actually found by accident.  We were not even talking but the serenity of the place calmed my senses and being with this person at that moment was the only thing that mattered.  I swear, it was much better than the last scene of Notting Hill! 

It was the first time I said iloveyou for the good person that this man is and for the better person he is making out of me.  If given the chance to say these words again, I’d choose a man who is confident, secure, smart, dignified, trustworthy, responsible, loyal, hardworking, loving, caring, and completely available. I guess my heart is now reserved for someone who takes pride in who he is and will not settle for someone and something lesser.

Simply because I am what my choice is.